Mary Queen Live: episode 1

topic: startling confessions from a controversial entity

Announcer: From the studios of Twy & Twy-Agin Productions, welcome to Mary Queen Live. Tonight’s show is sure to be on the cutting edge when it comes to great interviews. With many random bits of sharpness, here’s Mary!

Mary: My guest tonight is one of the most controversial entities in the news, day in and day out. Please welcome the ever-changing Economy!
(turning to guest) It’s a real pleasure to have you on the program, Economy.

Economy: It’s great to be here, Mary.

Mary: I’d like to start out by asking you if you feel responsible for the way things have been going lately.

Economy: Mary, I’m really glad you asked that. I should start out by saying that I’ve been going through some tough times recently, and I seem to be getting a lot of bad publicity as a result of it. Mistakes…. I’ve made a few…. but then again…. oh nevermind…. I’ve screwed up royally. My first mistake — that would be thinking that I could “experiment” with Growth and not become addicted. Yep, it’s time for me to admit it — I am a Growthaholic.

Mary: Rumors to that effect have been swirling for some time….

Economy: Well, I’ve been addicted to Growth since I was very young. In fact, I was so young, I wasn’t even aware of the dangers of Growth, and no one had even invented the public service messages that advise, “Say no to Growth.” I just didn’t know to say no!

At first, it didn’t seem like a problem…. I thought I could control it. I’d hear people say, “Hey, how ’bout that Economy — it seems to have a problem with Growth,” or something like that, and I’d think, “Ha! That’s what they think. I can quit anytime.” But I soon started realizing I needed that Growth…. like a hummingbird needs a sugar buzz, and a deodorant needs an armpit, and…..

Mary: And like a crouton needs a salad?

Economy: Precisely. For many years I could get my Growth in ways that seemed pretty harmless… it was just a matter of getting people to want lots of stuff that they really didn’t need. That gave me a steady supply of Growth.

But then I started having to get more and more creative to keep my Growth habit satisfied. For example, I found that I was really good at MoreForLess Mass-Hypnosis — that’s the art of making crappy cheap goods appear more desirable than well-made long-lasting goods. The faster that the cheap crappy goods wear out, the sooner people have to spend money to replace their cheap crappy goods, and the more Growth for me.

Mary: You must have become very proficient at keeping a steady supply of Growth.

Economy: Well Mary, the truth is, my need for Growth stayed as strong as ever, but I was having a hard time getting enough of it. Ya know, I couldn’t just click my fingers and have it appear. Fortunately, some of the things that bump up my ability to score Growth are things that just seem to happen with real good regularity — things like crime or divorce or natural disasters — man, I get some gooooooood growth out of those!

Mary: Well, that just doesn’t make sense.

Economy: I agree, Mary. It’s crazy, but hey, ya think I’m gonna argue? Not a chance!

Mary: Are there other ways you were able to keep a stream of Growth coming in?

Economy: Well, yeah. Let me give you another example. Let’s suppose someone working at a Viagra factory accidentally punctures a pipe that carries the effective ingredient — yeast — and a bunch of it leaks into Lake Eerie. My Growth addiction will be fed in numerous ways including:

  • the surge in the sale of condoms to all the males who get their drinking water from Lake Eerie,
  • the surge in sales of bottled water to all the females who obviously don’t want their drinking water out of Lake Eerie,
  • the cost of overtime labor for the Viagra factory workers who need to produce replacement batches of yeast….

Mary: You’re saying that something like an industrial accident could actually boost Growth?

Economy: Absolutely. And of course, when I’m getting a Growth boost, everything seems fabulous — people have jobs, and they spend money freely, and the Viagra factory has lots of demand for its product — it just feels like progress is oozing out of every nook and cranny…. what is a cranny anyway?

Mary: How would you respond to your critics who assert that you thinking you’re at your healthiest when you’re high on Growth is no different from a crack addict feeling like he’s at his best when he’s loaded up with crack?

Economy: That’s not a very valid comparison, Mary. For one thing, I don’t know of any crack addict who has a $38 billion per day habit.

Mary: Well, that wraps up our show for tonight. I want to thank the Economy for being here tonight. Please join us on our next show when our guest will be the Federal Deficit. That promises to be a really big show!